


This is Gospel

by Nightshadow8765



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, OOC, Suicide Attempt, This could be very triggering, be warned, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-05-05 11:10:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5373182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nightshadow8765/pseuds/Nightshadow8765
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>PLEASE READ TAGS</p>
            </blockquote>





	This is Gospel

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically a real life story but I used snk characters to tell it. This is what happens when memories come up and I'm not feeling good.
> 
> Please read at your own discretion!

_“Please. Fuck. Just fucking do it!”_

Armin sat on the cold floor of his basement. His body was wracked with sobs. He stared down at his phone, seeing all the texts coming in.

‘Armin what the hell’

‘Pick up your phone’

‘I'm coming over’

‘What do you mean sorry’

‘Armin please answer’

‘What did you do oh god’

Armin covered his mouth with his hand, trying to hold back the ugly sounds coming from him. "You have to do this. Don't be such a coward. “ He choked out. He needed to convince himself. This was his only chance. He knew all his friends saw the note he left them in their group chat. He internally laughed. He said goodbye to the only people that cared through a fucking text.

“Do it. Do it. Please. Oh god just do it”. Armin’s voice wavered in the dark. He got back up on his feet and gripped into the rope hanging from the ceiling. He shook as he put the messily tied loop over his head. He didn't look at who was calling his phone. This was already so painful. He took a few deep breaths, then dropped to his knees.

In his desperation he had tied up the rope left from his father's punching bag (that had never been used.) He had left school early to come home, knowing that it was the only time he could be alone. The only fault in his plan was the rope. The ceiling was too short for him to be able to tie it at a proper knot where his feet wouldn't reach.

The weight of his body against the rope was crushing. His lungs were gasping for air as the life was being choked out of him. He fought against his body’s instincts to stand up so he could breathe. His tears streamed down his face as his hands shot to the rope constricting his throat. He couldn't manage to suck any more air into his lungs. The reality of what he was doing had really hit him. _I'm going to die._ His vision was blurring and he had trouble fighting against the rope. At the last moment, his body moved without his consent. His hands grabbed the rope above his head and yanked himself up off the ground. The moment his throat was free of the rope, he was coughing and gasping for air. He collapsed on the ground, with his hands around his throat. After finally catching his breath he lied on the concrete floor for what seemed like an eternity. His throat was throbbing. He was so angry at himself. He was so weak. He was a failure. With a shaking hand, he reached over to his phone. He considered talking to his two best friends, but he knew they would be so disappointed in him. He saw a message that caught his eye.

‘Please tell me you're okay. We're so worried. Please, Armin’. It was from Jean. Eren’s boyfriend. Jean had always been there if Armin needed to talk. He never judged him. He typed out a quick reply.

'I'm okay’ His phone buzzed almost instantly with a reply.

‘Where are you? Want me to come over? Connie is with me. We can head over to Eren and Mikasa’s after’. Armin sighed slightly.

‘I don't think I can move. I don't want to move. Everything hurts.’

‘Be strong Armin. Get up and take a shower. I'm on my way. 20 mins tops.’ Armin stared at his phone. He wanted to lay on the floor and sob for the rest of the day. He felt so numb. But he knew Jean wouldn't take no for an answer. He slowly pushed himself up off the floor. Every breath he took still felt like it would be his last. He started to cough, but then realized he wasn't choking anymore. He wished he was. He wrapped his arms around his middle and made his way to the washroom. He peered in the mirror, and stared at the mess of a person looking back at him.

His face was red and puffy and covered in a mixture of tears and snot. His hair was messed up from how much he had been pulling it in anger. His eyes traveled down to his neck, where a reddish-purple bruise was forming. He lifted a hand and gently ran a finger along the mark, flinching when even the slightest touch was painful. He sighed and then started undressing himself. His body felt heavy and Armin just wanted to give up. He was so angry with himself, but he didn't have the energy to act on it right now. He turned on the water and stepped into the steaming water. He wished that the boiling water could melt him down to nothing. He scrubbed at his body with his nails, getting some satisfaction when some old scabs started to bleed again. He didn't feel the pain anymore. He stepped out of the water once he felt clean enough, then dried himself off.

 

“Hey Arm, how are you doing?” Jean’s voice snapped him out of his haze. He walked beside the taller boy with his head down. “Fine”. Armin croaked. Every breath reminded him of suffocating. He could barely talk. Jean and Connie had arrived at his door not long after he had gotten dressed. Neither of them made comments about the mark on his neck. He didn't know if he was thankful or hurt. They had now approached the Jaeger’s house. Armin waited in the driveway with Connie in silence. His eyes lit up as he saw Eren walk towards them, holding Jean’s hand. He gave Armin a big smile. Armin smiled back slightly, and gave a wave to Mikasa. One of his hands moved to his neck in an attempt to hide the ugly mark there. He whimpered from the pain, having forgotten not to touch it. He did his best to hide it as they approached him. Eren looked at him.

“I already saw you don't have to hide”. Eren stated, looking at his neck to prove his point. Armin looked away and let his hand drop in shame.

“I really want some food. Can we hit up the 7-11?” Eren announced. He got nods in response, and Armin followed behind the group as they started to walk. Mikasa took the effort to walk beside Armin while he trailed behind the rest, but she said nothing. He looked ahead of them as he saw Eren kiss Jean’s cheek as Connie made a grossed out face at them. They laughed.

_**They don't care.** _

The realization hit Armin hard. He didn't know why he had expected that they would be worried about him. The pain of the rope against his neck was nothing compared to this.

_I tried to kill myself and **none of them care.**_

The pain was a venom in his chest. A terrible ache that would haunt him for the rest of his life. The numbness was so much better. He would rather feel numb then to feel this complete heartbreak.

Oh, how he wished he hadn't failed.

**Author's Note:**

> -Written September 19th 2014 10:02pm
> 
> -I want to scream until my voice breaks. I remember screaming from the floor because I couldn't do it. I was so angry with myself because I wanted it so bad. I still want it so bad. I sat on the floor for a good hour because I couldn't bring myself to move. I remember how panicked I was when my vision started going back and my throat was being crushed as I tried to breathe. I would've done it if it was higher and I had a stool. But I only had to kneel, and as soon as I was almost there, my body betrayed me and pulled myself up from the floor. I can still feel the pressure on my neck. I start coughing but then realize there's no need. I can breathe just fine. But I'm not fine. My spirit died when my body refused to.


End file.
